the mind of a misfit

Hey darkness, I found my voice and his name is Jesus! I feel like I should warn you, this post isn’t for the meek. This November marks five years since the day I confessed to heaven that I might not be suited for this life thing. I had avoided showing anyone the scars on my arm long enough to forget why I even started hurting myself in the first place. That’s what darkness likes to do; get you alone enough to put your entire life on the line for a distorted version of truth. I have wrestled with sharing pieces of this story out of fear of romanticizing an illness. I am sure now of its purpose. As a walking letter of how good God’s love is, I can’t hold back any longer. I am so much more full of life today, that when I look back, it’s hard to believe I once let myself walk that far from reality. Guilt + shame over every past relationship that went sour had washed over and taken me out with the weight of a thousand orcas. I couldn’t see above the water. I was so fed up with my pain that I fell to my knees and breathed his name.
I got this reminder on my arm one month ago. I didn’t even realize it had been so many years since I’d felt the brink of what pushed me to the edge. An olive branch is such a big testimony to the Lord’s provision. I love how it also represents the presence and present power of the Holy Spirit. God used an olive branch in the mouth of a dove to show Noah and his people that there was a new beginning. That kind of promise saved my life; to know that I wasn’t doomed with a hateful heart and mind, that Jesus was in the business of redemption. He isn’t about throwing out the messy. He makes the messy beautiful. How remarkable? That I am worth saving! The same heart that wanted to hurt me, Jesus wanted to preserve. He gave me hope for a reality of joyful living beyond what made me feel worthless. He promised that my life could be colorful + God pleasing again. I hold onto that promise on days I don’t think I’ll make it out of the tunnel. There is hope for every living thing under heaven. I pray you find help if you’re struggling with something that feels bigger than you. // “There is no shame in asking for help; only healing!!!” @jackiehillperry (at Rockdale, Maryland)
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